More Infomercial Action

RIP BILLY MAYS

Hip-Hop Is Dead

This is Big-Shot, the mascot of the 76ers before Hip Hop. I hear the Sixers are going to be using their "vintage" uniforms, so I think in spirit of this they drop that back flipping, speed addict, rabbit and return to the glory days of the mascotorial arts. I mean the philly phanatic has worked out pretty well, why not have another make believe creature to represent our city.

You're Going To Love My Nuts

I am and avid Billy Mays fan, and I don't support beating up hookers, but Vince (The Shamwow Guy) is at it again with the slap chop. I've seen the actual commercial but I was watching MTV the other day and this version of the commercial come on, and I thought it was awesome.

Never Thought I'd Live To See The Day...

...that I hear the Jonas Brothers utter the word twat.

So they obviously know what it is....purity rings my ass...

WHY?

Because you touch yourself at night!

Although I think this person should be more concerned with the blood in their stool...and air.

Sad, But True.

Got this off The Onion site. I guess Michael Jackson started having sleepovers with 8 year olds when he was 8 years old, so it makes it totally okay...right?

Death by Chocolate

Camden worker dies after falling into 8-foot-deep vat of chocolate

Posted by cstone July 08, 2009 16:07PM

CAMDEN -- A city man died today after falling into an eight-foot deep vat of chocolate at a factory in Camden.

Vincent Smith II, 29, was standing on a nine foot high platform at Cocoa Services loading solid chocolate into a melting vat when he fell into the vat about 10:30 a.m., according to the Camden County Prosecutor's Office.

Google MapsThe 700 block of North 36th Street in Camden, the location of the facility where a man died today after falling into a vat of boiling chocolate.

A co-worker immediately hit an emergency shutoff switch and two others tried to pull Smith out, according to Jason Laughlin, a spokesman for Camden County Prosecutor Warren Faulk.

However, Smith was hit by an agitator, a large paddle-like piece of machinery in the vat used to mix the solid chocolate as it melts, Laughlin said.

Smith suffered fatal injuries from the blow. Firefighters removed Smith from the vat. He was declared dead at the scene.

Smith was a temporary worker at the 36th Street business.

Lyons and Sons Inc., building owner and Cocoa Services manager, closed the business for the day.

Preliminary information suggests the incident is accidental, Laughlin said.

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That sucks a lot for him, and here is why:

1. He's dead

2. He died in a way I always pictued being a cool way to die, apparently it is not as glamorous as I'd hoped.

3. He was a temp.

Imagine being at a temp agency and you landed a job at a chocolate factory. You'd being thinking "fuck yea that's some Willy Wonka shit" Then you realize the dangers of the Umpa Lumpa industry....

I'M BAAAAAAAAACK MUTHA FUCKAAA

You may have to click on this to see it better, but it is worth it. aaaah, nothing like a big idiot to bring me back to the blogosphere...

Hiatus

On hiatus until June 26ish. Sorry!

Caption Making Time

This may be McDonalds...BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE IT YOUR WAY
I think I have seaweed in my Vagina, let me check.

Awesomeness

I want my tomb stone to say that.

Excuse me sir, are you throwing up? 'cause I think your barf just got on me.

Good VS Evil

I found this site the other day.

The Evil Watertower:

• lives on the east side of I-39 in Plover, Wisconsin.
• injects poison into the supply
• can't be trusted
• hates everything, especially the Good Watertower
• trys to cause car accidents and derail trains
• has plans for total world domination starting with creating a nationwide network of evil watertowers to spread the infectious ideas of evil via poisoned water that will corrupt and control countless minds of youth that will carry out the work of the Evil Watertower throughout the world.

The Good Watertower:

• lives on the west side of I-39 in Plover, Wisconsin.
• provides clean drinking water for the city
• loves everyone
• cares about the city's well-being
• promotes peace and prosperity

How well do you know your watertower?

Many, many years ago, these two watertowers used to be friends, great friends. But after the Good Watertower got her beautiful new paint job and her snazzy Plover logo, the Evil Watertower became angry. The Good Watertower has serviced Plover with drinking water for a number of years and is loved by her customers.

The Evil Watertower has worked for a factory all his life, where he has been abused, and even worse in his eyes, taken for granted. The Evil Watertower then started conspiring to take over the factory and the world. Then, he will no longer be ignored and taken for granted. These plans have been put in motion and should not be taken lightly.

Have you ever misplaced your keys, or forgotten something at the grocery store? Chances are, Evil Watertower might have been a part of that. When something bad happens to you, try to think about your water source. Nothing is safe, and if Evil Watertower had his way, we would all be drinking pre-poisoned bottled water. Some of you allready are.

This is what Harry Potter was based off of....

Creepin to the Max (Emplastro)

He is Emplastro and he is the man.

I'm Tryna Make You...

Unbelievable! Paper Toy Transformer ... - The most amazing home videos are here

Found This Jawn Today

The Best VIral Videos Of 2008 Montage - watch more funny videos

Nothing is Funny About the Holocaust

except maybe this...

internet GOLD Worthy Fail

smelcome to internet gold blog!

Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon

Some of my favorites include:

A Playboy article found that peanuts cause teenage angst in 4 out of 5 dentists so, just don't over do it!

A dead sea scroll found that soda causes pregnancy in children, so just don't over do it!

A study found that rock music causes wedgies in dogs, so just don't over do it!

Ones that are not funny:

A study found that dancing causes restless legs in 18-34 year olds, so just don't over do it!

A study found that red meat causes heart attacks in adults over 90, so just don't over do it!

I made up my own:

A internet gold blog found that reading internet gold blog causes awesomeness in people who read internet gold blog, so please...over do it.

Featured Website: scanwiches.com

Oh the joys of Stumble Upon, I recently stumbled a blog called Scanwiches. Basically this person scans a sandwich every day and just posts them. It's genius in its simplicity. There's not much writing in the blog outside of what's in the sandwich, which I am totally okay with. I guess I enjoy blogs with pictures of food.Crosby Connection: Chicken Pesto, Grilled Chicken, Fresh Mozzarella, Basil, Tomato, Pesto on a hero

So True

So true. People should follow their fortune cookie fortunes more often, the world would be a better place.

No Seriously, Chill With The Web Cams...

So you know how your parents would make home videos of you doing embarrassing things, then show it to people when you're older and it's still embarrassing. The internet and web cams are cutting out the middle man (parents) and allowing you to film and publish videos of yourself doing embarrassing things. Except instead of just you seeing in 10 years later...it remains on the internet for the whole world to see. I guess I'm in funny web cam phase right now, but I cannot imagine anyone sitting alone in their rooms and actually doing stuff like this...

Take Web Cams Away From Idiots

Ok, I know this kid is like 11 years old, but I have some major issues with this video. First of all, how can a kid that age make any sort of commentary about the show "Seinfeld". The show began airing in 1989 and ended in 2002, that means the show began probably close to 10 years before this kid was even born. Of course he's not going to enjoy it, because it was a show made for ages 18-35...in the 90s. Secondly, saying that "Damn Toy Story was better than that shit" is rediculous. OF COURSE TOY STORY IS BETTER, it was a huge technical and visual innovation at the time...in 1995. Again, this kid was probably not even born, and he can't even appreciate becuse he wasn't alive to see the glorious transition to that style animation. Lastly, someone needs to tell this kid a few things about Bee Movie. 1. No one really liked it 2. Of course a bee would never befriend a person BECAUSE THEY CAN'T TALK 3. A bunch of elephants probably could lift a plane, but the movie isn't called Elephant Movie. 4. It's an animated film, which is why it all seems a bit implausible...idiot.

I found this video on a really funny blog called Big Stupid Idiot. There was a post called "Biggest Whiny Idiots on Youtube", check it out there's a whole bunch of people who just have no business on the internet.

Antidisestablishmentarianism

Buffalo in Buffalo are Just Mean

I found a great article on wikipedia the other day. Basically this sentence:

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

is a complete, grammatically correct statement. It means bison from Buffalo, New York, who are intimidated by other bison in their community also happen to intimidate other bison in their community. I'm not very good with grammar, but I feel like this is a load of crap. But we all know that wikipedia is 100 percent correct 100 percent of the time, so it must be real. Thus bringing me to my new goal in life: find an appropriate time to use Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo in a conversation. It'll happen just you wait.

Wicker Man Rocks!

I watched the Nick Cage film, The Wicker Man, the other day. I must say, that film maaaaaay be the best comedy of the past 10 years. I know what your thinking, "That wasn't a comedy" but hear me out. Here is a list of reasons why this is the funniest movie I've seen in a while.

- A girl getting hit by a truck...while on a boat
- Nick Cage in a bear suit.
- Nick Cage punching Diane Delano in the face for saying that he looked exhausted.
-Leelee Sobieski attacking Nick Cage, resulting in a karate kick in the tits.
-Nick Cage bugging out about a burnt doll.
-The bees

If that is not a comedy, I don't know what is.

Things I Do On Tests

I did not draw this, but it isn't far from some of the things I've done on tests. In high school biology tests I used to draw cartoon pictures when I did not know answers. On the cardiology test I drew a heart with an arrow going though it...I got a 2 out of 50. In college if I do not know the answer I simple write "that question is hard and unreasonable" . Usually I don't study and usually the professors dont give a fuck. I just found this picture and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share it.

I'll Let Someone Else Be Funny For Me

This video gets me every time. Watch it, then watch it high. Also, Dan Deacon's new album is the shit, check it out.

I'm Rooting For You: T.I.

Dear T.I.,

I heard about your jail sentencing. The first thing I want to say is, jail probably sucks. The second thing I want to say is, congratulations. You managed to get the minimum sentence possible for the charges against you. Because I think you are one of the better rappers out there in the industry, I'm giving you my full support. Even if the world forgets you while your incarcerated, I'll be waiting.
Also I want to give you advice. Write some hot rhymes whilst behind bars. I have a feeling if you heed my advice your next album will be epic. Stay strong T.I., don't pick up the soap. I'm rooting for you. Get out on good behavior.

Love,

Dan

I Have Nothing To Blog About Today, So...

I just found this today, I figured I post it because I have nothing funny to complain about today.

THIS IS SO COOL!

So I found a video of this guy who makes street art. What he does is he makes monsters out of trash bags and paper. He put them on the subway grates, and they looking seemingly like trash. Then when a subway passes, the air from the subway inflates and animates them. I live in a city and I REALLY want to do this. I would probably make a big inflatable penis...

check it

I'm In a YouTube Phase Right Now.

As some of you may have noticed, I've been posting videos lately. The reason for this is that i just figured out you can embed youtube videos in blogs. This is good news because as some of my more dedicated readers know, youtube is number five in my top 10 my awesome things ever list, and my favorite site on the internet (besides my blog of course). In reality, I probably spend more time on facebook, but I spend fair amount of time on youtube as well. Its probably 50% Facebook, 40% YouTube, 5% Internet Gold, 3% Last FM, 2% other sites. I found this video on youtube the other day, it speaks the truth in a funny way. Watch it, its not long.

Monkey Motif?

I have a stumble upon account and occasionally it leads me to some of the most valuable pieces of gold on the internet. So, naturally I like to post an occasional finding here. Yesterday I posted a funny cartoon about a monkey, which I stumbled upon the day before. Today I stumbled upon a video of a ventriloquist with a monkey puppet. I'm sensing a motif here. Maybe stumble upon is convinced my favorite animal is a monkey (which you all know is wrong, it's a narwhal). Nonetheless, the video was still hilarious and you should watch it.

Watch This: Dorm Life

So I've been watching a series of online shorts recently called Dorm Life. It is about a group of students who all live on the same floor and how they interact. It is reminiscent of the office, but in a dorm. I live in a dorm now and I can say that this show is not far from the crazy shenanigans that typically happen in a dorm. This episode is the first episode of the new season and hands down the funniest episode yet. Enjoy.




Also, I found this picture online recently and I just wanted to share it.

First 100 Days...Then What?

So CNN is covering the first 100 days of Obama's presidency. Which I am SOOOOOO happy about because after the 100 days are up, CNN can start covering REAL news again. Like the Chris Brown/Rhianna tragedy, Jimmy Fallon on Late Night, and Advertising on bodies with tattoos. Now I know there's a whole economic crisis going on, but I think we should stop talking about it after the first 100 day as well. If we don't acknowldge it, it will go away (like that guy who thinks he is your friend, but really isn't and he just doesn't get the hints). For now, we will just have to deal with hearing abut President Obama, but as CNN promises, it will stop.

What Would Happen If a Bald Eagle Attacked an Anteater: A Screen Play

We all know bald eagles are real bad ass, we also know the chances of an anteater and a bald eagle being in the same place are slim. Still I wonder what would happen if a bald eagle attacked an anteater...if they could both speak. Here's how I picture it:

EXT. ANTEATER'S LAWN- MORNING

ANTEATER picks up the morning paper. He is munching on a peanut butter and ant sandwich. He hears a loud screech, and looks up to see what it is. He sees a dark blob in the sky plummeting towards him. He drops his sandwich and beings to run. He only gets a few feet before BALD EAGLE grabs him but the shoulders.

ANTEATER

Hey, what's the big idea here?

BALD EAGLE

Well, I'm tryna eat you, will ya' quit
squirming around!

ANTEATER

Woah woah woah, what the heck did
I do to you?

BALD EAGLE

Nothing, I'm the fucking national bird,
I have diplomatic immunity.

ANTEATER

You share are making me awfully angry,
you don't want that...

BALD EAGLE

What are you going to do? You're just an
anteater.

Anteater uses his long nose to suck Bald Eagle's eyes out. Bald Eagle screams in agony as they land on the ground.

ANTEATER

FADE OUT.

Punk Ass Bitches: Jim Cramer

Now I figured that I'd write a Punk Ass Bitches once a week, but after seeing Jim Cramer's career go into the toilet on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart I had to write an emergency Punk Ass Bitch Post. Every time I watch Jim Cramer's Mad Money, he is always apologizing for telling people to buy, buy, buy! when they should have sold, sold, sold! Now I know Jim Cramer is a local suburban Philly man, but that does not always exempt people from being douche bags. The show is funny, don't get me wrong, but in this harsh economic climate, money is so far from being funny. Jim Cramer may have made millions of dollars in the stock market but he is robbing everyone else. If someone needs stock advice I think the last person you should listen to is a man with a button that makes bulls run across the screen. Jim Cramer is the reason there is no happiness on CNBC. I guess not all Jews are good with money. Get off T.V. and hide in a cave far far away you punk ass bitch.

Hey Winter, Fuck You!

Hey winter, fuck you! I'm tired of your shit and I do not appreciate you ruining my fun. I know this guy, his name is spring. He's coming to town and he told me to tell you to get the fuck out by the time he gets there or else he will kick your ass. Go sit at the nerd table Mr. Winter, because the cooler more popular seasons are coming in and there's no room for them to sit if your lard ass is still here. I think you can fit between the bitch with the head gear and gross acne face kid.

Lil' Wayne is for Stupid People

Good news! A recent study showing the correlation between people's favorite music and their SAT scores has been conducted. Apparently people who score in the 800s out of 1600 (stupid people) listen to Lil' Wayne, Beyonce, and T.I. The smarty pants on the other hand listen to Beethoven (of course!). Also, if you scored a 1316, you do not listen to music. Now what you're probably thinking is "wow this study seems kind of racist", but what you should be thinking is "correlation does not equal causation!" This is the truth, but it is pretty interesting to see where you fall.Interestingly enough, my favorite artist of all time (Beck) falls directly on where I scored on the SATs, maybe correlation does equal causation after all. Moral of the story, if you listen to Beethoven, you will get a 1600 on your SATs. Studying is overrated. Click the photo to see a larger version.

Punk Ass Bitches: Twitter

I really HATE twitter. I don't have one, and I don't plan on getting one. To be perfectly honest, I don't really need or want constant updates via email, text message, and smoke signals as to what my friends are up to. I understand why people have one, but what I don't understand is why those people just don't use the facebook accounts I know they already have. My theory is twitter users are either too stupid or too busy to use the rest of facebook. I propose that twitter simply be absorbed into facebook, meaning facebook users can do all the things that twitter has that facebook doesn't. Stop dirtying up the internet you punk ass bitches.

I'm Rooting For You: Dakota Fanning

Dear Dakota Fanning,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that you have my full support in any of your future business ventures. I know you're doing fine for your self, but the transition from a child star to teen star can be tough. I hope that this transition goes smoothly for you and that you are steadily employed at least for the next 5 years. I also heard that you're going to be in the new Twilight film, this will be easy for you because you're so pale. So far so good right!

Now that you have my support Dakota, please do not fuck it up. I hate when I give my support to people and they disappoint me. This means, keep your clothes on, stay out of the clubs, and most of all STAY AWAY FROM THE JONAS BROTHERS.

Best Regards,

Daniel

Featured Website: thisiswhyyourefat.com

I really want This is Why You're Fat to become an internet sensation. The site is just pictures of various culinary creations that would probably kill you, from fried bacon to pizza with an entire happy meal on top. What I like most about this site is that it proves my theory that bacon, when paired with anything, will always be a good match. Here are some examples from the site:Deep Fried Bacon with Gravy

Pizza Burger

Bacon Taco Shell

Deep Fried Coca Cola (I don't get it either)

Happy Meal Pizza

The sad this is, if I was ever offered to eat any of these things, I probably would. They all seem deliciously genius in a strange way. Don't forget to check this site out!

Rating: 4 bacon bits out of 5

Top 10 Most Awesome Things Ever

10. Bar Mitzvahs

All I have to say is, 7th grade was the shit. Of course it all depends on the amount of Jews you know, but when else do you get to go to a huge party every Saturday night for a year. Free food, dancing, prizes, and awkward middle school slow dancing, what's better than that? Although being a 7th grader at a Bar Mitzvah is cool and all, it is not the reason it's on my list. Its on my list because going to a Bar Mitzvah between the ages of 15-20, the "cool" parents always sneak you drinks; and when all the parents are "cool", it makes for a great night of conga lines.

9. Grape Juice



I know what your thinking, "why grape juice?" Because it is delicious, thus making it awesome. Sometimes I like dipping bread or challa (Jew bread) into it because it tastes like a jelly sandwich. I can't get enough of it, which is why it lands on my number 9 spot.

8. The 1980s
I found it only appropriate that the 1980's take the number 8 spot, mostly because it has the number 8 in it's name. I wasn't alive for the 1980s but I think that why it seems so (totally) awesome. Maybe one day people born in the 2000s will look back on the 1990s and say how cool it was. For now we can just glorify the 80s and all it's cheesy splendor.

7. Ikea

Where else can you go and buy a plate of delicious meat balls, sparkling lingonberry juice, a sofa, and fake floral arrangements? Can't think of anything? That's because there is no where else. Their food is wonderful and their furniture is like legos for grown-ups. Which is why the Swedish wonderland called Ikea makes the top ten.

6. Harry Potter Movies

Simply because these movie are the most entertaining films to watch, even if Harry Potter himself is autistic.

5. YouTubeI was debating giving the number 5 spot to "the internet", but i thought that that was too broad of a topic. So I thought to my self "What is the most awesome website?" And I quickly realized that youtube.com was it. Only on YouTube can you watch videos of chubby girls lip syncing, dogs giving birth, and people tripping on acid. This fact alone gives it my ranking as the #1 website on the internet and the #5 most awesome thing ever.

4. Conjoined Twins

Conjoined twins have always interested me. I know a lot of them can be separated, but I want to meet the ones that cannot be (and aren't dead). I read about a case of conjoined twins in which the girls basically looked like a two headed person. They were basically two people from the belly button up, and one from the belly button down. MEANING they have ONE vagina. You must be thinking to your self, "this should be on a list of weird things, not awesome things." This is true, but in my book, weird is awesome.

3. Porn Porn, nuff said.

2. Narwhals
Everything I can say about Narwhals is summed up beautifully in this animation.


1. Philadelphia


My city is older and cooler than your city! Suck it.