Things I Do On Tests

I did not draw this, but it isn't far from some of the things I've done on tests. In high school biology tests I used to draw cartoon pictures when I did not know answers. On the cardiology test I drew a heart with an arrow going though it...I got a 2 out of 50. In college if I do not know the answer I simple write "that question is hard and unreasonable" . Usually I don't study and usually the professors dont give a fuck. I just found this picture and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share it.

I'll Let Someone Else Be Funny For Me

This video gets me every time. Watch it, then watch it high. Also, Dan Deacon's new album is the shit, check it out.

I'm Rooting For You: T.I.

Dear T.I.,

I heard about your jail sentencing. The first thing I want to say is, jail probably sucks. The second thing I want to say is, congratulations. You managed to get the minimum sentence possible for the charges against you. Because I think you are one of the better rappers out there in the industry, I'm giving you my full support. Even if the world forgets you while your incarcerated, I'll be waiting.
Also I want to give you advice. Write some hot rhymes whilst behind bars. I have a feeling if you heed my advice your next album will be epic. Stay strong T.I., don't pick up the soap. I'm rooting for you. Get out on good behavior.

Love,

Dan

I Have Nothing To Blog About Today, So...

I just found this today, I figured I post it because I have nothing funny to complain about today.

THIS IS SO COOL!

So I found a video of this guy who makes street art. What he does is he makes monsters out of trash bags and paper. He put them on the subway grates, and they looking seemingly like trash. Then when a subway passes, the air from the subway inflates and animates them. I live in a city and I REALLY want to do this. I would probably make a big inflatable penis...

check it

I'm In a YouTube Phase Right Now.

As some of you may have noticed, I've been posting videos lately. The reason for this is that i just figured out you can embed youtube videos in blogs. This is good news because as some of my more dedicated readers know, youtube is number five in my top 10 my awesome things ever list, and my favorite site on the internet (besides my blog of course). In reality, I probably spend more time on facebook, but I spend fair amount of time on youtube as well. Its probably 50% Facebook, 40% YouTube, 5% Internet Gold, 3% Last FM, 2% other sites. I found this video on youtube the other day, it speaks the truth in a funny way. Watch it, its not long.

Monkey Motif?

I have a stumble upon account and occasionally it leads me to some of the most valuable pieces of gold on the internet. So, naturally I like to post an occasional finding here. Yesterday I posted a funny cartoon about a monkey, which I stumbled upon the day before. Today I stumbled upon a video of a ventriloquist with a monkey puppet. I'm sensing a motif here. Maybe stumble upon is convinced my favorite animal is a monkey (which you all know is wrong, it's a narwhal). Nonetheless, the video was still hilarious and you should watch it.

Watch This: Dorm Life

So I've been watching a series of online shorts recently called Dorm Life. It is about a group of students who all live on the same floor and how they interact. It is reminiscent of the office, but in a dorm. I live in a dorm now and I can say that this show is not far from the crazy shenanigans that typically happen in a dorm. This episode is the first episode of the new season and hands down the funniest episode yet. Enjoy.




Also, I found this picture online recently and I just wanted to share it.

First 100 Days...Then What?

So CNN is covering the first 100 days of Obama's presidency. Which I am SOOOOOO happy about because after the 100 days are up, CNN can start covering REAL news again. Like the Chris Brown/Rhianna tragedy, Jimmy Fallon on Late Night, and Advertising on bodies with tattoos. Now I know there's a whole economic crisis going on, but I think we should stop talking about it after the first 100 day as well. If we don't acknowldge it, it will go away (like that guy who thinks he is your friend, but really isn't and he just doesn't get the hints). For now, we will just have to deal with hearing abut President Obama, but as CNN promises, it will stop.

What Would Happen If a Bald Eagle Attacked an Anteater: A Screen Play

We all know bald eagles are real bad ass, we also know the chances of an anteater and a bald eagle being in the same place are slim. Still I wonder what would happen if a bald eagle attacked an anteater...if they could both speak. Here's how I picture it:

EXT. ANTEATER'S LAWN- MORNING

ANTEATER picks up the morning paper. He is munching on a peanut butter and ant sandwich. He hears a loud screech, and looks up to see what it is. He sees a dark blob in the sky plummeting towards him. He drops his sandwich and beings to run. He only gets a few feet before BALD EAGLE grabs him but the shoulders.

ANTEATER

Hey, what's the big idea here?

BALD EAGLE

Well, I'm tryna eat you, will ya' quit
squirming around!

ANTEATER

Woah woah woah, what the heck did
I do to you?

BALD EAGLE

Nothing, I'm the fucking national bird,
I have diplomatic immunity.

ANTEATER

You share are making me awfully angry,
you don't want that...

BALD EAGLE

What are you going to do? You're just an
anteater.

Anteater uses his long nose to suck Bald Eagle's eyes out. Bald Eagle screams in agony as they land on the ground.

ANTEATER

FADE OUT.

Punk Ass Bitches: Jim Cramer

Now I figured that I'd write a Punk Ass Bitches once a week, but after seeing Jim Cramer's career go into the toilet on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart I had to write an emergency Punk Ass Bitch Post. Every time I watch Jim Cramer's Mad Money, he is always apologizing for telling people to buy, buy, buy! when they should have sold, sold, sold! Now I know Jim Cramer is a local suburban Philly man, but that does not always exempt people from being douche bags. The show is funny, don't get me wrong, but in this harsh economic climate, money is so far from being funny. Jim Cramer may have made millions of dollars in the stock market but he is robbing everyone else. If someone needs stock advice I think the last person you should listen to is a man with a button that makes bulls run across the screen. Jim Cramer is the reason there is no happiness on CNBC. I guess not all Jews are good with money. Get off T.V. and hide in a cave far far away you punk ass bitch.

Hey Winter, Fuck You!

Hey winter, fuck you! I'm tired of your shit and I do not appreciate you ruining my fun. I know this guy, his name is spring. He's coming to town and he told me to tell you to get the fuck out by the time he gets there or else he will kick your ass. Go sit at the nerd table Mr. Winter, because the cooler more popular seasons are coming in and there's no room for them to sit if your lard ass is still here. I think you can fit between the bitch with the head gear and gross acne face kid.

Lil' Wayne is for Stupid People

Good news! A recent study showing the correlation between people's favorite music and their SAT scores has been conducted. Apparently people who score in the 800s out of 1600 (stupid people) listen to Lil' Wayne, Beyonce, and T.I. The smarty pants on the other hand listen to Beethoven (of course!). Also, if you scored a 1316, you do not listen to music. Now what you're probably thinking is "wow this study seems kind of racist", but what you should be thinking is "correlation does not equal causation!" This is the truth, but it is pretty interesting to see where you fall.Interestingly enough, my favorite artist of all time (Beck) falls directly on where I scored on the SATs, maybe correlation does equal causation after all. Moral of the story, if you listen to Beethoven, you will get a 1600 on your SATs. Studying is overrated. Click the photo to see a larger version.

Punk Ass Bitches: Twitter

I really HATE twitter. I don't have one, and I don't plan on getting one. To be perfectly honest, I don't really need or want constant updates via email, text message, and smoke signals as to what my friends are up to. I understand why people have one, but what I don't understand is why those people just don't use the facebook accounts I know they already have. My theory is twitter users are either too stupid or too busy to use the rest of facebook. I propose that twitter simply be absorbed into facebook, meaning facebook users can do all the things that twitter has that facebook doesn't. Stop dirtying up the internet you punk ass bitches.

I'm Rooting For You: Dakota Fanning

Dear Dakota Fanning,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that you have my full support in any of your future business ventures. I know you're doing fine for your self, but the transition from a child star to teen star can be tough. I hope that this transition goes smoothly for you and that you are steadily employed at least for the next 5 years. I also heard that you're going to be in the new Twilight film, this will be easy for you because you're so pale. So far so good right!

Now that you have my support Dakota, please do not fuck it up. I hate when I give my support to people and they disappoint me. This means, keep your clothes on, stay out of the clubs, and most of all STAY AWAY FROM THE JONAS BROTHERS.

Best Regards,

Daniel

Featured Website: thisiswhyyourefat.com

I really want This is Why You're Fat to become an internet sensation. The site is just pictures of various culinary creations that would probably kill you, from fried bacon to pizza with an entire happy meal on top. What I like most about this site is that it proves my theory that bacon, when paired with anything, will always be a good match. Here are some examples from the site:Deep Fried Bacon with Gravy

Pizza Burger

Bacon Taco Shell

Deep Fried Coca Cola (I don't get it either)

Happy Meal Pizza

The sad this is, if I was ever offered to eat any of these things, I probably would. They all seem deliciously genius in a strange way. Don't forget to check this site out!

Rating: 4 bacon bits out of 5

Top 10 Most Awesome Things Ever

10. Bar Mitzvahs

All I have to say is, 7th grade was the shit. Of course it all depends on the amount of Jews you know, but when else do you get to go to a huge party every Saturday night for a year. Free food, dancing, prizes, and awkward middle school slow dancing, what's better than that? Although being a 7th grader at a Bar Mitzvah is cool and all, it is not the reason it's on my list. Its on my list because going to a Bar Mitzvah between the ages of 15-20, the "cool" parents always sneak you drinks; and when all the parents are "cool", it makes for a great night of conga lines.

9. Grape Juice



I know what your thinking, "why grape juice?" Because it is delicious, thus making it awesome. Sometimes I like dipping bread or challa (Jew bread) into it because it tastes like a jelly sandwich. I can't get enough of it, which is why it lands on my number 9 spot.

8. The 1980s
I found it only appropriate that the 1980's take the number 8 spot, mostly because it has the number 8 in it's name. I wasn't alive for the 1980s but I think that why it seems so (totally) awesome. Maybe one day people born in the 2000s will look back on the 1990s and say how cool it was. For now we can just glorify the 80s and all it's cheesy splendor.

7. Ikea

Where else can you go and buy a plate of delicious meat balls, sparkling lingonberry juice, a sofa, and fake floral arrangements? Can't think of anything? That's because there is no where else. Their food is wonderful and their furniture is like legos for grown-ups. Which is why the Swedish wonderland called Ikea makes the top ten.

6. Harry Potter Movies

Simply because these movie are the most entertaining films to watch, even if Harry Potter himself is autistic.

5. YouTubeI was debating giving the number 5 spot to "the internet", but i thought that that was too broad of a topic. So I thought to my self "What is the most awesome website?" And I quickly realized that youtube.com was it. Only on YouTube can you watch videos of chubby girls lip syncing, dogs giving birth, and people tripping on acid. This fact alone gives it my ranking as the #1 website on the internet and the #5 most awesome thing ever.

4. Conjoined Twins

Conjoined twins have always interested me. I know a lot of them can be separated, but I want to meet the ones that cannot be (and aren't dead). I read about a case of conjoined twins in which the girls basically looked like a two headed person. They were basically two people from the belly button up, and one from the belly button down. MEANING they have ONE vagina. You must be thinking to your self, "this should be on a list of weird things, not awesome things." This is true, but in my book, weird is awesome.

3. Porn Porn, nuff said.

2. Narwhals
Everything I can say about Narwhals is summed up beautifully in this animation.


1. Philadelphia


My city is older and cooler than your city! Suck it.